Promises Against Procrastination

Every. Single. Time.
When did this start anyway—
This stupid habit of
Procrastination.

My life’s been a crazy mess
Of stress,
Mostly self-induced.

I’ve had panic attacks
And random breakdowns,
And days of mindlessness
When really, I can’t—
Shouldn’t be able to—
Afford them.

My biggest obstacle—
Since perhaps high school, was it?—
Is this: this
Lack of self-discipline,
Which results in,
Or manifests itself in
Procrastination.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who
Suffers—because it is suffering, to be sure—from this
Disease.
And it is

Frustrating,

Debilitating,

Downright disgusting in that
You can’t help but be disgusted with yourself

For things you can—
Should be able to—
Control.

What successes have been foregone
Because of this alone?
What successful people we could have had—
Could have been—
If we had the strength of will
To stand up to ourselves?
Because the truth is,
The difference between the success story
And the one who could have been is
That little discipline found within.

And though I’ve tried,
I’ve failed each time.
Yet I promise
I will continue to try

Again,

And again,

And again.

Why, you ask?
Why continue to try
When time and time again
I’ve proven my weakness,
My failure?

Because I’m stubborn,
And hate to be told I can’t:

Can’t succeed over this,

Can’t get past this failure,

Can’t be the best, not even over myself.

I won’t give in to the “can’t”.

And because I believe
That one day,
Someday,
I’ll be able to tell my kids, or really anyone suffering this same fate,
That if you try a little more and a little harder,
You will be able to do it.
Yes, you can.

So, despite days,

And weeks,

And months,

And even years,

Of feeling regret
And disappointment in myself,

Of hating my weakness
And all the time I’ve wasted,

I believe in continuing the challenge.

Call me stubborn,
Or idealistic,
But I won’t give up.
I can’t.
Because if I do,
Then all that time truly will be wasted,

Instead of just detours that distracted me from my path,

Instead of being experience points until that long-awaited levelling up,

Instead of temporary setbacks to the greater goal.

Every time I think
I’m going to begin again
To try to conquer this weakness of mine,
I spend a couple of days,
Maybe even reach a week,
Before bad habits crop up again
And break me all over.

Every New Year’s Resolution—
Or New Month’s,
New Birthday’s,
New Random Day or Just Because—
I begin again
And fall prey to the same
Fatal flaw.

A habit can be built in 21 days,
But it’s getting there that’s the hard part.

Exactly one month from now,
I hope to be on a plane,
On the start of my journey to Masters.
So here I am, giving myself one month

To try again to shape my life,

To organise the mess that I’ve let it fall into,

To overcome the many roadblocks in my way,

Knowing that in the end,
It will all be worth it.
It always is.
This,
This is
My Promise.

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